How To Live With Giant Robots: A Dummy's Guide To Life On Diego Garcia
by Icy Metal and Frost Blue Roses
Summary: Exactly what the title implies: a how-to guide for newbies on Diego Garcia including the do's and don'ts of the base. Prowl's going around and compiling rules to try and keep the base from getting burned to the ground... barely. His job is not as easy as it sounds when he's surrounded by humans and fellow Autobots continuing to push the envelope and get more and more things banned.
1. Rules 1-6

**Author's Note: After reading all these different fics like this, I decided to try my hand at it, so let me know how I did, please! :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers. I only own my OCs.**

**Leave me a review! Leave me a review! Leave me a review! Leave me a review! Please?**

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**Rule #1: Riley is not an early riser. Don't bother her until she's fully awake.**

(It also goes without saying she tolerates no one for the first two hours she's been conscious.)

(Wheelie figured that out the hard way.)

(Tried to tell her a dirty joke.)

(Riley wasn't amused.)

(That doesn't mean Ironhide was either when the platinum blonde went after the Microbot with a sledgehammer.)

**Rule #2: If you happen to be called to Prowl's office, GO.**

(Sideswipe was called.)

(He didn't go.)

(He tried to leave the state.)

(We've yet to see him a week later.)

**Rule #3: Just because Riley's a fan of something doesn't mean she appreciates pranks regarding something she's a fan of.**

(Sunstreaker found out about her fascination with "Alice in Wonderland".)

(What's worse, he stole her clothes and replaced them with a sexy Alice in Wonderland dress, thigh high blue and white striped stockings, and high heels.)

(Riley was forced to walk around like that... and she was not happy. Especially when she caught the attention of pretty much every man on base.)

(But not as unhappy as Ironhide was forced to run around the base as the Mad Hatter.)

(If he had his way, he would have stayed in robot mode, but the twins took out his T-cog...)

(... Leaving him to use his holoform.)

(Which had been altered so his holoform would resemble the Hatter in terms of clothing, gaudy makeup, and orange hair.)

(Poor Riley almost passed out laughing, but she quickly got over it when the two saw Sunstreaker.)

(And it comes down to which would be worse...)

(Pissing off Riley or having a gun wielding Hatter lusting for your blood.)

**Rule #4: Once again, just because Riley's a fan of something, don't use it as a tool to prank her with.**

(This time it was Bon Jovi.)

(Wheelie played one of his songs on a stereo system he hooked up beside her bed.)

(Brig time for the two of them.)

(Wheelie got it for waking the entire base.)

(And Riley because she tried to kill him.)

(Not before she was sent to the Med Bay to be taken care of.)

(One month later, her ears are still ringing.)

**Rule #5: Just because someone dares you to do something stupid doesn't mean you should follow through with it.**

(Leo was dared to pee on all four of Ironhide's tires.)

(The poor idiot thought he was asleep.)

(Turns out Ironhide wasn't and chased Leo off the base.)

(No one has yet to see the man since then.)

(In hindsight, you would think doing it for ten bucks wouldn't be worth it.)

**Rule #6: 'I wanted to see what would happen' isn't an appropriate excuse.**

(Under any circumstances.)

(Period.)

(The twins set off mortar fireworks in the hallway.)

(Everyone thought the base was under attack.)

(Optimus was not amused.)

(Two weeks of brig time.)


	2. Rules 7-12

**Rule #7: Do not use Wheeljack as an excuse for blowing things apart.**

(Riley, Sunny Brooke, Isaiah.)

(They wanted to blow up a car in the most creative way possible.)

(Riley was the one that did most of the work.)

(Ironhide was impressed with the massive fireball that sent the car flying into the upper stratosphere.)

(Optimus wasn't.)

**Rule #8: Don't tease Prowl about the little hiccup in his logic chips.**

(Sunny Brooke and Mechafire.)

(When they found out about it, the two had to see if it was true.)

(So Sunny and Mechafire went and did the most illogical things they could think of.)

(Mechafire began doing everything backwards and Sunny duct taped and super glued random stuff to everything.)

(When Prowl saw Mechafire talking backwards and Sunny's super glued tampons and other random assorted items, including a toilet seat stolen from the men's bathroom, he thought there was something wrong with them.)

(One hour later, Sunny pulled out the big guns...)

(... and pretended to pee on Optimus' foot with a hole poked in the lid of her water bottle.)

(Prowl glitched badly enough to keep him out cold for the rest of the day.)

**Rule #9: Under any circumstances, graffiti is not allowed on base.**

(Or on an Autobot's vehicle mode.)

(Isaiah joined forces with Sunstreaker and Sideswipe.)

(Poor Ironhide was the target.)

(The next day he woke up, Ironhide went on a rampage, covered helm to stabilizing servo with a wide variety of images and slogans spray painted on every possible part of him, including a mural of Riley, half human and the other half being Riley's Cybertronian form, portrayed proudly on his broad chest plating.)

(Riley thought Ironhide did that of his own free will and complimented him on the "sweet new paint job".)

(Riley even made him transform and took pictures of every new decal on him before she let him get rid of it the moment she found out it was the product a prank courtesy of the twins.)

(It's needless to say Riley was impressed that Isaiah had helped with the prank and even more impressed at his technique with spray paint.)

(One month of brig time for Isaiah and the twins.)

**Rule #10: You can't blame the Internet for influencing you to do something stupid.**

(Making holograms of the stupidest videos you can find doesn't help matters.)

(Riley.)

(She made a hologram of 'Dumb Ways To Die'...)

(... and showed it to all the Autobots saying she found a safety video.)

(Red Alert was particularly interested since the platinum blonde was showing interest in people's safety.)

(Then the video played.)

(Prowl glitched.)

(Ratchet looked particularly horrified.)

(As for Red Alert...)

(He confiscated everything in the video that killed the funny little guys.)

(It doesn't help that Bumblebee was in on it and replaced the keypad that opens the door to Red Alert's office with a big red button.)

(When Optimus confronted Riley about it...)

("I blame the Internet.")

(It got a smirk from him but that doesn't mean Optimus was actually amused.)

(A week's worth of brig time...)

(... With Bluestreak singing 'The Song That Never Ends'.)

(He, too, blames the Internet for influencing him to sing it.)

**Rule #11: Bubble wrap is used for packing things only.**

(Bumblebee.)

(He lined the floor with it and waited for someone to come along.)

(Poor Ironhide thought he was being shot at and spent the next few hours running around trying to get out of the line of fire.)

(All that managed to do was pop more bubbles, freak out more, and make Bumblebee offline from laughing so hard.)

**Rule #12: Barney the Dinosaur is banned. For life.**

(Riley and Isaiah was watching Annabelle while her parents went out for their anniversary when Ironhide, Optimus, Prowl, and a couple others came in the room and asked what we were watching.)

(After making them watch an episode, they understand everything.)

(They understand everything enough to destroy the TV and the DVD.)

(Now those mechs have a respect and admiration for the small child and us for being able to sit through the show without going AWOL.)

(Simple: put it in and let the kid tell us when it's over. We wore headphones and watched another show on Isaiah's tablet.)

(Now Sarah's off to find another educational program for her daughter to watch that the Autobots will find acceptable.)


	3. Rules 13-18

**Author's Note: Okay, I've been getting pretty good feedback for this and I've been given suggestions so here they are:**

**2211Nighthawk: Water and electricity do not mix.**

**TheGhost129: Breakfast food weaponry, FanFiction and Yaoi. This person also asked whether I've heard or know what it is and believe me, I do. And I'm against it.**

**midnightfurylonewolf: Feathers. Is there nothing you can't do with them? I originally had an idea for this but it's like a sign I should write it in when I get a suggestion about it, so, check it out.**

**I can't take writing in third person anymore, so now I'm swapping to first person. For your information, I'll be writing this from Riley's POV. Enjoy! :D**

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**Rule #13: Even if it's a very effective tool for torturing people, be it people being punished in the brig or captured Decepticons, don't use it as an excuse to bring Barney the Dinosaur back into the base.**

(Backwoods, Skids, Mudflap. Exhibit A, B, C.)

(Annabelle was thrilled.)

(Barricade, Kick Back, Breakdown, and Mixmaster weren't.)

(In fact, it confused them when the Backwoods told them their punishment would be watching a program on TV.)

(While the Decepticons were screaming in agony and begging the show to be stopped, Annabelle was sitting on the floor singing along to the songs and giggling at the purple dinosaur.)

(As a prank tool, Skids made a robot and put it in a Barney costume.)

(Optimus went berserk.)

(Melted slag in the middle of the rec room floor.)

(Mudflap messed with his holoform from being a human to Barney and went for a drive.)

(... Not before he hacked the P.A. system and played the Barney theme song on a loop that was somehow heavily encrypted enough even Blaster couldn't break the code to shut it off.)

(Ironhide wound up shooting the system. Which, in everyone's opinion, was more toned down than what Optimus would have done if he handled it.)

(Mudflap led the entire police department in Tranquility on a wild goose chase and shut down a good portion of the highway and interstate.)

(Barney the Dinosaur's entire upper half was hanging out the window the entire time)

(Screaming, "You ain't taking me alive, coppers!" no less.)

(What's worse, two of those cops were Prowl and Barricade.)

(They eventually caught him and detained him after the police dispatch incorporated the help of two more police departments in the two cities nearby. Every cop all three cities could spare was in the chase.)

(Nearly two months later, Mudflap is still in the brig.)

(The media still isn't done talking about Barney the Dinosaur driving a smart car and taking three different police departments on a wild goose chase down the highway.)

**Rule #14: Waffles are to be eaten, not used as weapons.**

(Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, and me.)

(If you're hungry, eat.)

(It's that simple.)

(But, no, I wanted something more epic than plain frozen waffles.)

(So Sideswipe suggested I carve them into shuriken.)

(And I did.)

(I thought it was hilarious when I got the drop on Galloway and nailed him in the back of the head and ran away.)

(I even hit Ratchet in the face with one, too!)

(Now the twins are helping me carve my new weapons and hone my ninja star throwing skills.)

**Rule #15: Do not tar and feather your teammates.**

(Twins. Both sets of them.)

(They joined forces and set up an elaborate prank to pull on Prowl.)

(Too bad they didn't know he fell into a recharge standing up in his office, leaving it for someone else.)

(I happened to be the one to get pranked.)

(Hot tar and feathers rained down on my head the moment I opened the door.)

(Ratchet was called and rushed me to the Med Bay for treatment from burns my human form got from the hot tar and get the feathers removed from my Cybertronian body normally hidden in a human shell.)

(It was hot enough to melt the skin to show my protoform hidden beneath it.)

(Optimus and Prowl were not happy. Neither was I and Ratchet for that matter.)

(Ironhide, being the overprotective gun wielding creature he is, wanted to use them for target practice. I wanted to join him, but I was stranded in the Med Bay covered in bandages to help heal my third degree burns.)

(Two months brig time for both sets of twins after they were made to apologize to me.)

(I politely told them to take Ironhide's cannons, shove them up their afts, and pull the trigger.)

**Rule #16: Fanfiction and Yaoi is banned. Forever.**

(Bumblebee was bored and found the site.)

(Bad move on his part.)

(After a while of looking around he found a pairing between two of his superiors.)

(Suspicious, he went to investigate. And was met with utter embarrassment and angry swears when he showed them what he was reading.)

(When Bumblebee forwarded it to his superiors' superiors... mass mayhem.)

(Prowl glitched.)

(Ironhide, Ratchet, and I was lusting for blood.)

(The pervy Chevy twins cackled like madmen at their comrades' embarrassment until they found out they were a couple in one of those fanfics and got themselves separate rooms away from each other.)

(Poor Optimus seemed to be a popular target along with Ironhide, Ratchet, Prowl, Jazz, and well, everybody.)

(No one can look at each other in the eyes anymore and makes for exceedingly awkward meetings.)

**Rule #17: Boys, if you want to compliment a woman, just do it up front.**

(Skids tried to chat up me once and told me he'd like to know the girl beneath all the surface arrogance.)

(For serious, I need to be given credit since I managed to sound calm when I asked what he believed was under my so-called "surface arrogance".)

("Girl, what I'm getting from you is surface arrogance, more arrogance, a few delicious layers of flaky disdain, all wrapped around a sweet, creamy center of homicidal rage.")

("Homicidal rage? You want homicidal rage? I'll show you homicidal rage! C'mere!")

(Skids was landed in the Med Bay and I got brig time for endangering the life of a comrade even though the warriors and weapon loving mechs were impressed with my fighting technique.)

**Rule #18: Water is not to be mixed with electricity. Under any circumstances.**

(Whoever made it necessary to put this on the list is an idiot.)

(Sideswipe.)

(The recipe for disaster: Jolt + livewire + wet floor = massive power surge which when you round it up = a blackout experienced all over the base and blown transformers everywhere.)

(But in hindsight, now everyone knows why Sideswipe was dragging a fire hose and a livewire around with him.)

(Poor Jolt.)

(But he did pop right back up after a while in the Med Bay, though.)

(Not before he shocked the scrap out of Ratchet though.)


	4. Rules 19-24

**Author's Note: True story: my little brother and a kid my mom babysits inspired rule #22. I won't go into detail but for serious, I nearly died. XD The only difference between the rule and the actual thing that inspired it was that the kid didn't fart, he had a dirty diaper.**

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**Rule #19: Letting farm animals run loose in the base is not allowed.**

(Bumblebee!)

(Seriously, he should know better than this.)

(Prowl wasn't a happy mech when he walked into his office to find at least twelve cows sitting on his desk and dozens more all over the floor.)

(It didn't help matters in the slightest that there was cow patties all over his data pads and holograms of banjo playing hillbillies scattered all over the room.)

(Prowl glitched.)

(Bumblebee was given a harsh reprimanding and brig time.)

(But then Optimus went to his own office, he found an ass load of goats all over the place in his office and that hillbilly banjo pickin' recording was going full blast the moment he stepped in the room. His reaction was ten times worse than Prowl's.)

(Yee-HAW.)

**Rule #20: Allowing Riley near weaponry during her 'time of the month' is not allowed. Period.**

(Neither is giving me access to heavy artillery and letting me on the battlefield.)

(That was enough to make the Decepticons beat a hasty retreat.)

(Weapons obsessed mechs now have a deep respect and fascination for me.)

(Not to mention a few crushes.)

**Rule #21: Gentlemen, if your woman is acting a little off, don't ask her if she's menstruating.**

(Especially not me.)

(Ratchet caught me the day it started.)

(It didn't help that he explained to me the full extent of a menstruation cycle.)

(Then came the Chevy twins.)

(They asked.)

(I swore at them harshly enough to make them cringe.)

(That next morning all those who asked if it was my time of the month had tampons super glued to their vehicle modes along with harsh words and disturbing pictures scrawled all over them in Sharpie marker.)

(My death glares make even the most grizzled veteran, human or otherwise, stop laughing and avoid making eye contact.)

**Rule #22: If somebody farts, don't tell them their ass stinks. Even if it's told to someone else and that someone repeats it back to the person you were complaining about.**

(Bluestreak.)

(He was talking to Leo when the young man farted.)

(Bluestreak nearly glitched over the smell.)

(An hour later, he started complaining to Annabelle about it.)

(Annabelle suspiciously disappeared for a while.)

(When Annabelle crossed paths with Leo, the little one sniffed the air and quoted Bluestreak's exact words and said, "Your ass stinks.")

(She then proceeded to spray her father's cologne all over Leo's backside and smelled again before informing him it smelled better now.)

(Six weeks later, everyone still reminds Leo of that day by spraying cologne in the air whenever he's around.)

**Rule #23: Charlie the Unicorn is in no circumstances allowed on the base... Ever.**

(This time, it was Bumblebee and Sam.)

(Their intended target was Ratchet when they began playing all five of the Charlie the Unicorn videos.)

(Prowl glitching was an added bonus.)

(Optimus was not amused. At all.)

**Rule #24: Ordering things off the Internet and shipping it in bulk to Diego Garcia is not allowed.**

(Bumblebee's follow up prank after the Charlie the Unicorn incident.)

(He ordered the biggest shipment of bananas, a wide assortment of candy, explosives, balloons, sushi, millipedes, and alien costumes the base has ever seen and sent them straight to Ratchet's Med Bay.)

(Apparently all those things were references to every one of those videos.)


	5. Rules 25-30

**Author's Note: More suggestions for the new rules are as follows:**

**TheGhost129: Movies are getting banned. Rule #28**

**Enjoy!**

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**Rule #25: SUGAR! If you happen to be a human with a sweet tooth, don't eat whatever sugary food you happen to be fond of around the Autobots.**

(They will take it.)

(Isaiah was eating a cinnamon bagel.)

(Ratchet nearly had a Spark attack and knocked it out of his hand with a wrench.)

(Somehow, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe found out I have a sweet tooth. And they had to see if that were true so...)

(They kidnapped me...)

(And gave me access to Hershey's, Skittles, and gummy bears.)

(My sudden change in demeanor scared a lot of people and even made Prowl glitch.)

(The twins were too busy laughing to try and stop me from rampaging all over the base jacked up on sugar.)

**Rule #26: Riley is a known caffeine junkie and sugar addict. Therefore, it's not allowed.**

(Sunstreaker and Sideswipe.)

(They kidnapped me again.)

(Guess what they gave me? More caffeine!)

(This time it came in the form of twelve Monster drinks, a twenty four pack of Mountain Dew, and twenty one and a half cups of coffee.)

(Who knew a girl could drink that much? The twins didn't.)

(The same thing happened as last time. Sunstreaker and Sideswipe planned to keep me contained in their room for their entertainment, but...)

(I escaped, making the twins need to come after me.)

(Me being in my hyperactive state of mind, ran right into the Med Bay and kicked Ratchet.)

(Ratchet nearly had a come apart but I stopped him before it started by screaming, "It's just a happy day to be alive!")

(I even tackled Galloway and said it was a happy day to be at Diego Garcia and told him he was at the top of my list of the most hated people on the planet and drew a smiley face on his bald spot before running away laughing maniacally.)

(Then I ran past Hound and a few others screaming, "GO, GEOGRAPHY!")

("I like your attitude, sister!" was Beachcomber's response to Hyper Riley before I did it again to Perceptor and Wheeljack.)

("GO, MATH! GO SCIENCE! IT'S SUCH A HAPPY DAY TO GO SWIMMING!")

("Riley, it's the middle of winter." was Perceptor's way of saying "What the hell's the matter with you?")

("SWIMMING!")

(The people trying to make sure I didn't hurt myself lost me for a minute until they found me in Optimus' office.)

("I'M SO HAPPY!" :D:D:D)

("Riley, you are having some serious problems right now.")

("I KNOW! AND I LOVE THEM!" XDXDXDXDXDXD)

(It took several hours, but with the help of almost all the Autobots on base, Ironhide finally managed to catch me and trapped me inside his vehicle mode to try contain my caffeine induced state.)

(It worked eventually and I passed out early the next day.)

(Sunstreaker and Sideswipe were thrown in the brig for months and made to apologize to me after I got out of my two week long sentence of being stuck in the Med Bay with Ratchet.)

**Rule #27: Temple Run is banned.**

(After finding out about it, Wheeljack got that devious look in his optics and disappeared for a week or so.)

(Then he abducted me.)

(I wasn't complaining, knowing I wasn't going to be held against my will or anything.)

(In all honesty, I thought I was going to be given caffeine or something sugary.)

(I was sadly mistaken.)

(When we got to our destination, I found my clothes had been changed to resemble the outfit the character in the game was wearing.)

(Then I found myself placed in a track and made to run when the cage behind me opened to let a pack of rabid monkeys out.)

(A week in the brig for Jackie and I was stuck for a month in the Med Bay 'cause Ratchet's paranoid of me contracting a virus or something from the primates that tried to eat my face off.)

**Rule #28: The following movies are banned:**

_Pirates of the Caribbean_

(That freaked Ratchet out.)

(Watching Jack get stabbed in the chest and survive almost made him glitch.)

(But by the time we got to the second movie, he began complaining that zombies aren't real and a man living without a heart can't happen.)

(The third movie was real fun when the ship went over the edge of the world and bring Jack Sparrow back from the dead.)

(The fourth one really did it and the geography experts are now planning expeditions with Seaspray to try and locate the Fountain.)

_Up_

(Wheeljack had that devious look in his optics and disappeared for a while.)

(It was a pretty humorous sight to behold Wheelie and Brains floating around in a dollhouse with balloons attached to it like in the movie.)

(But then everyone got REAL nervous when he said it was a small scale model.)

_Finding Nemo_

("All pipes lead to the ocean.")

(Damn you, Gil. Damn you.)

(Brains flushed my poor betta fish down the toilet.)

(When I asked him why he did it, he shrugged and said all pipes lead to the ocean.)

(Gizmo was a fresh water fish!)

_TNMT_

(Ratchet sucks the fun out of everything.)

(He said it's scientifically impossible for a rat and turtle to absorb toxic waste and become human sized and intelligent creatures.)

(Apparently Wheeljack isn't convinced and locked himself in his lab.)

(Swimmy, my new pet turtle to replace Gizmo the fish, mysteriously disappeared.)

(With all the weird glowing biohazard containers showing up and taken to Jack's lab has me worried.)

(I fear for Swimmy.)

(I need to keep my pets under lock and key and make sure nothing else happens to them.)

(Lest they wind up experiments in Wheeljack's lab.)

_The Terminator_

(It resulted in mayhem and a glitching Ironhide.)

(The whole thing started when someone called an unofficial movie night and pulled out the movie responsible for the madness.)

(Sideswipe mentioned that I reminded him of the robot in the movie and I could possibly be related to him.)

(He didn't know I heard him. But those who did know I heard him saw that devious look on my face before I disappeared for a few days. Not even Ironhide could find me.)

(When I did reappear, I manipulated my human appearance so that my hair was now black and close cropped, sporting sunglasses, a form fitting white midriff T-shirt, leather jacket, boots, and skinny jeans with an obscenely large gun slung over my shoulder. Nobody could quit staring and nearly died when I mimicked the Terminator's accent.)

(When I found Ironhide on the weapons range, I made it rain.)

(Nothing was spared. Not even the target Ironhide originally was shooting at before he stopped to appreciate my new attire.)

(The mech glitched when I turned to him with a wicked smile crooked my finger at him and said, "Come with me if you want to live.")

**Rule #29: Pyromania is forbidden.**

(As it turns out, it unnerves a lot of people, Autobots included.)

(Cackling like a madman while incinerating targets on the weapons range doesn't help.)

(Me, Isaiah, Ironhide, Wheeljack, Warsaw, and Warpath.)

(Since I am a female Cybertronian (sort of), the mechs find it to be a huge turn on that I know my way around a gun and homemade bombs made out of dryers that Red Alert confiscated during the "Dumb Ways To Die" fiasco.)

(A number of humans that are apparently pyromaniacs and myself, too, are no longer allowed to have matches.)

(Nor can we light fireworks either.)

("No, Riley, you can't have Wheeljack make you a personalized flamethrower.")

(Wheeljack heard the question and made me one anyway. And rather gleefully at that.)

**Rule #30: If you are not NEST personnel, don't go in the communications room and lock yourself in there.**

(Sunny Brooke.)

(She did this once and played 'The Mean Kitty Song' and 'Nyan Cat' followed by an encore performance of 'It's A Small World After All' and another encore performance of 'I Know A Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves' over the P.A. system for a whole week.)

(The only way she was able to stay in there was because of the mini fridge one of the soldiers hid in there.)

(Ratchet and Ironhide were lusting for blood.)

(Optimus was getting a little more than touchy.)

(Simmons finally shut it off after he kicked the door in and took a sledgehammer to the P.A. system.)

(Sunny was sentenced to a month in the brig.)


	6. Rules 31-36

**Rule #31: Books are not weapons. They are strictly for reading and nothing more.**

(Isaiah was getting pretty irritated when Galloway decided to crack down on me the first time we met.)

("Yo! Who do you think you are?!")

("Director Galloway, liaison to the President of the United States.")

("You better back off from her, pal. That's my sister you're yelling at.")

("And if I don't? You're just a child, why don't you run along back to school.")

("And if I don't?")

(That got a haughty laugh and a retort of, "You can say anything you like and it's not going to make a difference to what I do.")

(Isaiah threw a dictionary at him and one of the corners of the book nailed Galloway in the eye.)

(Crimson Flame and Ratchet was impressed with Isaiah's accuracy.)

(Optimus wasn't amused when he had to deal with a blubbering Galloway ranting about Isaiah hitting him with a book.)

(Sunny did something similar, but she hit Simmons in the crotch instead.)

(The high pitched scream could be heard all over the base.)

(Jazz and Ironhide is never going to let the man live it down.)

**Rule #32: Sesame Street is banned.**

(Since Barney was banned, Sarah brought in Sesame Street DVDs as a replacement.)

(The 'Bots were fine with it until Elmo made an appearance.)

(The talking in third person, high pitched voice, and unblinking eyes were unnerving, though.)

(Annabelle freaked.)

(It didn't help that Sideswipe found a YouTube video about one of the characters, the Count.)

(The video was called "The Count Censored".)

(It will make your eyes melt and brain explode.)

(Sideswipe offlined, he was laughing so hard.)

(When he came back online, he emailed the video to EVERYBODY. Including the entirety of the Decepticon Army and the President of the United States of America.)

(Prowl glitched.)

(Optimus was mortified.)

(Skids and Mudflap, being the perverts they are, got a kick out of it.)

(Annabelle didn't get a lick of it. Thank _God_.)

**Rule #33: Don't get into rubber chicken fights in front of Ratchet.**

(Me, Isaiah, Sam, Leo, Mikaela.)

(Ratchet had a Spark attack.)

(It's funny how human teenagers' sources of amusement involve bodily harm.)

(Astoundingly, nobody was put in the brig, instead getting a three hour lecture about how irresponsible it was.)

(Not fun. At all.)

**Rule #34: If you want to get in Sunstreaker's good graces, offer to do stuff for him.**

(Buying new paint to fix scratches, and giving him a wash and a wax once a week works exceedingly well.)

(But when you're rewarded with excessive moaning, static, and the revving of a high performance engine...)

(Drop the sponge and walk away. Don't look back, just keep walking.)

(No matter how much he begs you to come back.)

(I was scarred for life when I found out why Sunstreaker wanted me to keep washing him.)

(I can't even look at Sunstreaker without blushing anymore.)

**Rule #35: Riley is not allowed to have access to fireworks.**

(Fourth of July weekend was supposed to be quiet.)

(Letting a known pyromaniac around explosives will guarantee a very loud and rather insane night of being used for target practice with Roman candles and putting out fires started by fireworks.)

(I stirred up trouble by getting my hands on a bag full of fireworks and lit Roman candles and launched them at people.)

(One of them hit Mudflap in the face and left a scorch mark on his armor.)

(Soon enough both sets of twins were after me, launching mortars at my head.)

(Topspin came in to my rescue and opened fire with a plasma rifle.)

(The aftermath of the incident looked more like a battlefield after Decepticons retreated.)

(Brig time for all who participated and trips were made to see Ratchet for injuries.)

**Rule #36: If you want to mess with Ironhide, be sure to have Riley and/or Annabelle present.**

(Never underestimate the power of a cute toddler or the fury of a teenager with PMS that has access to heavy artillery and controls the power of the Allspark.)

(Turns out, Ironhide tolerates you if you begin messing with him if I'm there to call him off.)

(And Annabelle can get him to do anything she wants 'cause Ironhide's attached to her.)

(I think it's totally cute and I let him know every time I see them together.)

(Leo, on the other hand, just loves teasing him about it.)

(He made fun of Ironhide when he walked in and overheard something that involved Ironhide and being roped into playing tea party with Anna.)

(Ironhide was out for blood and nearly turned Leo into road kill.)

* * *

For those of you that are curious, this is the link for the Sesame Street rule:

www. Youtube watch ? v= B- Wd- Q3F8KM

And for those of you that have never seen Dumb Ways To Die, here's the link for the video:

www. youtube watch ? v= IJNR2EpS0jw


	7. Rules 37-42

**Author's Note:**

**Suggestions come from:**

**DeathmatchDrunkard: Rule 37**

**Bladewolfzic: Rules 39 and 40**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Rule #37: Linkin Park is banned.**

(One song Sam was singing along with made Bumblebee think he wanted him gone.)

(Bumblebee was Spark broken.)

(Ironhide was less than pleased when he found me hugging Bumblebee in an attempt to comfort him.)

(We eventually resolved the matter with the parties involved.)

(Ironhide still glares at Bumblebee when he sees the young scout and me in the same room together.)

**Rule #38: Do not give other Autobots their own theme songs.**

(Singing it when they walk in to the room is also inappropriate.)

(Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, Jazz.)

(They decided it'd be funny to play the Cops theme song whenever Prowl walked into the room.)

(The first couple of times, Prowl thought it was a coincidence.)

(Around the twentieth time it happened, Prowl already caught on to what they were doing.)

(Somehow no brig time was involved, just a hours long lecture.)

(I pity them.)

**Rule #39: The following songs are banned:**

Rhianna— "_Hard_"

Chris Brown— "_Wall_ _To_ _Wall_"

(I'm not even a fan of these artists, so it doesn't make a difference to me.)

(It didn't help Ratchet explained to me the meaning behind these songs in great detail.)

(Now I can't hear the name Rhianna or Chris Brown without cringing/blushing five shades of red.)

**Rule #40: The following TV shows and movies are banned:**

TV Shows

_Gundam Wing_

_Zoids New Century Zero_

(I'm guessing it's because the robots that appear in them are mindless and used to create mass mayhem and participate in epic battles. Gundam I'm familiar with, never heard of the other one.)

(It's probably just because of the robots with a hint of violence.)

Movies

_Catwoman_

_Columbiana_

(Prowl, I hate you right now!)

(Those are two of my favorite movies! DX)

**Rule #41: "…And then, out of nowhere, a wild Pikachu appeared" is not a reason for missing meetings.**

(Me and Sunny Brooke.)

(I'm not even a fan of Pokémon!)

(But Sunny is.)

(I guess Sunny thought it'd be funny to use it as an excuse.)

("No, Sunny, you're not a Pokémon trainer.")

("And, no, Wheeljack can't make you a Poké Ball.")

(Wheeljack made me and Sunny one anyway.)

("I died." Isn't a reasonable excuse, either.)

(That last one is all me! XD)

**Rule #42: When Prowl asks you for a report or update you are not to reply "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" and run off.**

(Crimson Flame, Backwoods, Whirlwind, and me.)

(We were all assigned to a team together to patrol the outer perimeter of the new NEST base in Nevada.)

(Apparently Crimson Flame was feeling a little mischievous.)

(When Prowl called for an update, Backwoods started making static noises and cut off the connection.)

(Then Prowl actually came to us and asked for an update once again.)

("You're here, you got two good optics. Does it seem like there's any problems?")

("YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!")

(That was Whirlwind's way of telling the world there's no security breaches before he snatched me off the ground and ran.)

(I did this a week later at an actual meeting with Galloway and Optimus.)

(Whirlwind happened to be nearby and grabbed me and bolted for the door again.)

(I puked all over the floor from the serious case of vertigo I got from the sudden change.)


	8. Rules 43-48

**Author's Note: Personally, I think #44 is the best out of the new rules I finally finished writing. XD**

**Rule #43: It's not a smart idea to sign comrades up for anger management counseling and/or groups.**

(Sunny thought Ironhide and Ratchet's tempers were out of control.)

(So she signed them up for an anger management group.)

(It took some convincing, but she got the duo off the base and led them to the place the group was meeting. Somehow, neither of them asked where Sunny was taking them before they were dropped off and Bumblebee picked her up and brought her back to base.)

(The people in the anger management group didn't even comment on Ratchet and Ironhide's names. They DID however comment on the fact that their newest members to the group were giant robots.)

(There was mass mayhem to be had when Ratchet and Ironhide's tempers snapped and did their best to level the place.)

(Sunny found it's much safer to live inside Warpath's vehicle mode.)

(I asked her about it and she gave me a cheeky grin and flipped her hair like a diva.)

("I listen to people talk about what cars they want for a first car. Me? I want a tank. Why? So I can be fashionable while knocking names off my hit list at the same time! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!")

(That got me worried and I called First Aid, the new medic to land on Earth, to come get her and run a mental exam.)

(This being the first time he's gotten around humans for a long period of time and eager to see how different each person is than the next, he rather gleefully picked up Sunny and took her away kicking and screaming.)

**Rule #44: "I wish to take over the world with an army of flying monkeys" is not a valid excuse for attempting to do something stupid in Wheeljack's lab that will ultimately leave you in the Med Bay.**

(I was feeling determined.)

(And random.)

(Wheeljack was all for helping me make the robots and clone them before covering them in faux fur and bellboy suits like in the movie.)

(I think he did it because it sounded funny to him, but nevertheless, he did help.)

(Two months of working later, we decided to give it a test run.)

(The day we were going to test our flying robots out also happened to be the day Mearing, Simmons, and Galloway were visiting the base, which made the incident all the more funny.)

(Jack and I took our places on the roof of the base and he pressed the button that activated the flying robot monkeys.)

("Fly! Fly, my minions! We shall take over the entirety of the Waffle House restaurant chain and dominate the WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!")

(It was all the more hysterical when Wheeljack let out his own creepy ass mad scientist cackle and maneuvered the robot monkeys to dive bomb Mearing and throw clumps of decomposed organic stuff from his lab that looks like poop at Galloway.)

(This continued for well over three hours as other NEST soldiers and Autobots gathered to watch the spectacle before Optimus, Ratchet, and Prowl were finally located to put a stop to the madness they previously didn't know about happening on the tarmac.)

(Just as Optimus and the others arrived, the monkeys went haywire and began exploding.)

(One of them flew real close to where Wheeljack and I were hiding on the roof and blew up, injuring us both pretty bad.)

(When Optimus demanded an answer for the reason behind the madness that happened that day...)

("I wish to take over the world with an army of flying monkeys! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!")

(What's even funnier was I didn't say that. Mostly 'cause I told Wheeljack to use it as an excuse if we were caught, which we were. The evil scientist laugh was a nice touch to the declaration of using monkey robots that fly via fire coming out of their buttholes, though. Kudos, Jackie, for helping me with my half-baked scheme and making it even more hysterical by putting the mini jet packs that helped them fly where they were.)

(Prowl glitched and landed face first into a particularly big clump of the suspicious decomposing organic stuff from Jack's lab which in turn made Ratchet come real close to glitching himself after they saw the few of the monkey robots that survived going haywire flying around.)

(We were ordered to clean up the mess after our injuries were treated and put in the brig for a few weeks in separate cells so we couldn't collaborate any more half-baked, stupid ass crackpot schemes with each other. Plus we couldn't be in the same room as each other for a couple months either.)

(But if we are and happen to start chatting, we need a chaperone since we're a terror when left to our own devices and a very, very bad influence on each other.)

(It was worth it, though! We caught everything on camera, too!)

**Rule #45: Don't admit your fellow humans into mental hospitals.**

(Sideswipe.)

(He admitted me, Sunny, Isaiah, Leo, Sam, Simmons, Dutch, and Galloway.)

(After attempting to escape, I was put in isolation and flipped out.)

(Leo finally managed to make a call to Lennox and he came to bail us out.)

(The guys at the hospital were very reluctant to let such prime specimens go.)

**Rule #46: Paint is not a prank tool.**

(I was supposed to be watching Annabelle.)

(Sideswipe took her while I had my back turned for a second.)

(I finally found them...)

(... in the hangar the Autobots hang out in.)

(Sideswipe gave Annabelle a couple buckets of paint and a paint brush and Annabelle went crazy.)

(He told her the other 'Bots needed a new paintjob and let her go to town painting on everyone while they were in recharge.)

(Everyone woke up that morning covered in pink spatters, handprints, and other assorted doodles.)

(Ironhide was completely pink!)

(Not a trace of his original black paint could be seen!)

(Brig time for Sideswipe and a reprimanding for Annabelle. I got chewed out 'cause I was taking care of her when Sideswipe took her.)

**Rule #47: Markers are to be used on paper only.**

(I was feeling random and mischievous.)

(Being stuck in a meeting with Galloway isn't fun at all.)

(Ratchet fell asleep. Apparently he pulled too long of a shift and couldn't wait to get to his private quarters to sleep.)

(He was sitting next to me with his head propped up on his hand facing me.)

(I just so happened to have a Ziploc baggie full of markers from babysitting Annabelle earlier that day.)

(After twenty minutes of suggestions from others at the meeting and my awesome doodling skills, we were finally done.)

(Ratchet walked out of that meeting with a very high temper, fewer bullets than he went in with, and Transformer sized tools lodged into the walls, floor, and ceiling.)

**Rule #48: If you are looking for attention from a fellow teammate or Autobot, glomping them is not an appropriate manner to do so.**

(If you don't know what glomping is, you're basically throwing yourself at someone and tackling/hugging them.)

(The best part is they never see you coming!)

(I started this all over the base, starting with Bumblebee since he was still a little upset about the Linkin Park incident.)

(Me suddenly jumping out and hugging him scared him, but he quickly recovered and hugged me back, though. :3)

(This eventually spread to the others, namely Jazz, Bumblebee, and almost everyone else who had a knack for being sneaky and fun looking to spread some cheer around to teammates and Autobots having a bad day.)

(Wheeljack has become exceptionally notorious for these surprise glomp attacks.)

(I've fallen victim to a lot of them, a lot of them coming from Bumblebee and Wheeljack, my new best buddies and the twins, both sets of them. Sometimes such surprise glomps come from Ironhide looking to mess around with me.)

(Even little Annabelle joined in on the fun, but she can't actually get any higher than her target's waist or legs. Optimus, Ironhide, and Ratchet were good sports and hugged her back. X3)

(Things just about got put to a stop when Prowl just about glitched after Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, Jazz, and Bumblebee glomped the tactician all at once and took him to the floor.)

(Optimus drew the line when someone (I think it was Bumblebee) glomped Red Alert and he glitched badly enough to keep him out cold for a month.)

(Seeing as people are still glomping each other, Optimus lets us continue, but it's to be restricted and we have to give our target a warning/ask permission to glomp them before doing it.)


	9. Rules 49-54

**Author's Note: I didn't get any suggestions from ten last chapter, so I'm filling in the gaps with my own stuff.**

* * *

**Rule #49: You are not to introduce Wheeljack to anything that will give him bad ideas.**

(Sunny started it with _Phineas and Ferb_.)

(Perry is BADASS! Badass, I tell you!)

(She mentioned it'd be cool to have a flying car of tomorrow today.)

(Wheeljack happened to be watching the show with her and disappeared.)

(I also noticed my truck was gone, too. Pretty sure I know what happened after a particularly loud explosion rocked Diego Garcia.)

(An hour later, everybody was hearing screams originating from around the Med Bay.)

(I arrived on the scene first to find a one armed Wheeljack clinging to the entryway screaming, "NOOOOO! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! I WANNA LIVE! I WANNA LIIIIIIVVVVVEEEEE!")

(Ratchet was beyond frustrated by this point and sedated Jackie and dragged him into the Med Bay.)

(I chose that moment to scream, "OH, MY GOD! YOU KILLED KENNY!")

(One week later, Wheeljack still doesn't have his arm reattached and I was put in the brig for covering Prowl helm to stabilizing servo in whipped cream.)

(Don't ask where I got enough to do it.)

(Jackie was my hero and sprang me out of the brig after somehow escaping Ratchet's clutches to come get me.)

(Prowl caught me and demanded to know how I got out of the brig in the first place.)

("It wasn't me, officer! It was the one armed mech!")

(Wheeljack chose that moment to run past, cackling like a madman, waving his disembodied arm in the air with Ratchet hot on his heels, swearing loudly as he tried to subdue the excitable mech.)

(At least I know Prowl has a sense of humor when he cracked a smile before taking me back to the brig.)

(There were more experiments done during the time Wheeljack was still at large running wildly around the island, and getting even more cartoons and TV shows banned.)

(I've also noticed the TV in the rec room now has a Wheeljack block on it to keep him away from those channels now.)

(Fortunately I'm responsible enough to know the code so Jackie and I can sit around in the middle of the night watching shows he shouldn't be and getting even more ideas.)

(A week later, the Autobots went public and the very first thing Wheeljack said to the world was: "French fired puhtaytuhrs.")

(That was his answer for the reason he protects the human race!)

(On live TV!)

(Like a boss! Like a Primus fragging boss!)

(Oh, God, Wheeljack, I love you so much right now! XD)

(Optimus turned on me, probably thinking I set Jack up to say that.)

(I wasn't. That was of Wheeljack's own accord. Of course with influence from _Family_ _Guy._)

(One month later brought Simmons, Galloway, and all those pompous people I dislike.)

(The moment they stepped in the building, I screamed, "The government is here! Run, E.T., run!" When I got to the E.T. part, I pointed randomly in some direction and Wheeljack, Jazz, and Bumblebee just so happened to be standing there.)

(Playing along, they ran off down the hallway collectively screaming, "E.T. PHONE HOME! E.T. PHONE HOME!")

("But... warrior blood marches through my veins like GIANT RADIOACTIVE RUBBER PANTS! The pants command me! DO NOT IGNORE MY VEINS!"— Wheeljack, after his arm fell off and trying to get out of the Med Bay again. It didn't work.)

**Rule #50: LOLcats are banned for all eternity.**

(That's all thanks to me, Isaiah, Sunny Brooke, Annabelle, and anybody else we could coax into wearing kitty ears and run around the base like that for two weeks.)

("Sarcastic Sunny is sarcastic."— Sunny Brooke after dealing with Skids for an hour and walking off.)

("Basement cat will eat your soul!"— Isaiah, after getting into an argument with Grimlock, one of the newest members of the team to arrive on Earth)

("Praise Jesus! It's CATURDAY! SQUEEEEEE!"— me, upon waking up and finding it's the weekend.)

("Deductive Prowl has run out of deduction."— Leo, upon walking in to find Prowl staring intensely at a datapad.)

("OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!"— Annabelle, being a cutie eating a moon pie on Ironhide's shoulder.)

("I are ninja! Invisible Riley!"— me, after getting the drop on Simmons, glomping him, and running away cackling like a madwoman.)

("LOL! Hai, guyz!"— me, greeting Optimus and his Sparkmate, Elita, as Ratchet and the other medics on standby dragged me and the others into the Med Bay for mental examinations.)

("I iz ded."— Isaiah, after five hours of being examined.)

(I do believe Annabelle is the only one to escape being examined since she's a toddler and hasn't learned to use the English language the same way as her older counterparts.)

(... Plus she's downright adorable wearing those sparkly pink kitty ears! X3)

**Rule #51: Angry Birds is banned.**

(Oh, my God, Wheeljack! Really?)

(It started that morning and we woke up to see soldiers sailing through the air, shortly followed by Wheelie and Brains.)

(Apparently, Wheeljack set up a giant slingshot and structures made out of foam blocks.)

(The poor 'birds' had to be sent to Ratchet for injuries.)

**Rule #52: The following video games are banned:**

_Sonic Riders_

(Prowl glitched when he saw talking animals.)

(Plus it gave Wheeljack ideas.)

(One month later, he showed up with replicas of the X Gear and courses from the game.)

(I thought it was badass, but Prime shut it down real quick since he didn't want anybody getting hurt, keeping in mind the _Angry Birds_ and _Temple Run_ incidents.)

(I still kept my X Gear, though.)

_Halo_

(Ironhide was enjoying this one a little too much and actually shot the screen.)

_Legend of Zelda_

(Where to begin with this one...)

_Kingdom Hearts_

(People living without hearts, other dimensions, kids with big ass keys, and floating castles.)

(Any questions?)

**Rule #53: Don't ask Ironhide if he has male PMS.**

(He will attack you.)

(Sunny Brooke!)

(This girl will do anything to get under your skin or, in Ironhide's case, armor.)

(She did just that.)

(After running around the base to avoid getting hit by a rabid pickup truck, Sunny took refuge under the Transformer sized couch in the rec room.)

**Rule #54: Don't compare Blurr to Sonic the Hedgehog. It only results in damaged pride and bruised egos.**

(Sunny Brooke.)

(This happens to be something me and Isaiah are fond of as well.)

(When Blurr overheard a conversation about Sonic, he went berserk.)

(I caught him trying to leave the base and asked where he was going.)

(Apparently he was going to try and locate Sonic and challenge him to see who's faster.)

(I didn't have the heart to tell him Sonic isn't real.)


	10. Rules 55-60

**Author's Note: Because I'm bored, I'm switching the POVs again. This time, it's going to be written in Isaiah's POV. May swap back to Riley in a later installment.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Rule #55: The Wiggles are banned.**

(That is me and Riley's childhood right there! Right along with Sesame Street, Reading Rainbow, and Barney.)

(I brought it in for Anna since Sarah was running out of ideas. Plus Riley reminded me of it.)

(Anna loved it!)

(Then there was Captain Feathersword.)

(Prowl walked in the moment he came on, took one look at the screen and walked right back out.)

(The local Autobots heard about it and came to see the new show that would possibly get banned over something.)

(They gave us an earful about how pirates wielded swords made of steel and not big ass feather dusters.)

(Damn you, Captain Feathersword. Damn you to the Pit.)

(Back to the drawing board for me. At least Sideswipe didn't find a video to ruin another show I watched during my childhood again.)

**Rule #56: Just because you walk in on me and Riley fighting, that doesn't mean our goal is to kill each other.**

(Give us a break, guys.)

(We're siblings: we're supposed to go for each other's throats!)

(Riley and I love to roughhouse with each other much like Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, Skids and Mudflap, and Metal Storm and Mechafire do, so we go at each other a lot like this and walk away with minor injuries like scrapes and bruises.)

(Optimus and Ironhide happened to walk in on one of our famous roughhousing sessions and physically removed us from the other's grasp.)

(All they saw was me pinning Riley to the floor in a headlock with her legs and one of her arms pinned to the floor and Riley swearing in Cybertronian with her free hand grabbing my hair.)

(Riley wasn't pleased at the fact we were pulled apart and she proceeded to wiggle her way out of Ironhide's grasp and tackle me, screaming her own battle cry and we went on again for round two.)

(Plus they don't really understand the concept of sibling rivalry unless they actually have a sibling. All they knew was that Riley was growling (a playful growl and not her "I'm going to kill you" kind of growl, mind you) and I had her pinned, the both of us covered head to toe in bruises, cuts, and scrapes.)

(Optimus was worried about our behavior, so he called Ratchet in to sedate us and our parents were called to talk to us about our aggressive behavior.)

(Our parents were concerned when they were brought in to see us in the Med Bay but then they were explained the circumstances we were found in and laughed.)

(Ratchet nearly had a come apart when Dad said we do this all the time.)

(He quickly reassured the Autobots we didn't mean harm to each other and we were only playing with each other the way that siblings do.)

(He also told the Autobots they tried to stop us several times before but seeing as we continued on even when we were being restrained, they simply let us keep sparring with one another since it was pointless to try and stop us and we'll stop when we're either tired or simply done attacking the other sibling.)

(Now that that's cleared up, we're free to continue with our roughhouse sessions, but we can't have them in places that Autobots can be found.)

(Or else we get hauled into the Med Bay for examinations and our parents need to explain why they let their offspring try to kill each other.)

**Rule #57: Playing air raid sirens in Red Alert's office is cruel and unusual punishment.**

(Sunny Brooke teamed up with Sunstreaker to wreak havoc on the poor mech.)

(Sunny only helped because she thought we were making it up that he's super paranoid.)

(Red Alert put the whole damn base on lockdown.)

**Rule #58: Attempting to communicate in a language you haven't spoken in before should wait until you actually know what you're trying to say in the first place.**

(Guess who got ahold of sugar again?)

(Guys, everyone knows not to give that girl sugar! Who keeps giving her sugar?! Riley is sensitive to sugar and caffeine!)

(We were on an important mission to France and Hyper Riley was running up and down a busy street and tackled a stranger.)

("Bonjour! Je suis un tres grande pomme de terre!")

(Translation: "Hello! I am a very large potato!")

(I managed to cage Riley in Sideswipe's vehicle mode and gave her a Mad Libs book to keep her happy for the time being until the sugar was out of her system.)

(How wrong I was.)

(She broke Sideswipe's windshield and crawled out and ran away before anybody could stop her.)

(Later that day when Optimus was having a conference with some important guy, unbeknownst to him of Riley's sugar induced state, she burst into the room and declared her thoughts importantly in a Scottish accent.)

("I am wiggling my leg. Witness my leg! Everybody! Say it with me as I wiggle! Peas, peas, peas, peas, peas, peas, peas! OH, MY GOD! DAVID HASSELHOFF CAN FLY!")

(Ratchet tackled her and dragged Riley out of the room, scanning her and even made her go through a mental examination before he sedated Riley before she could get loose and wreak havoc on Paris.)

(Riley woke up halfway through the trip back to Diego Garcia and she was given another mental exam once we got back because Ratchet was paranoid the results he got weren't right.)

**Rule #59: Yelling at cows is not normal behavior.**

(I was saddled with Prowl for a patrol of a new NEST base they set up in Alabama.)

(The road we had taken made us stop every two seconds because it also served as a cattle trail.)

(Cows! Cows everywhere!)

(I got frustrated after being stuck inside Prowl's cab all day and rolled down the window, leaning my entire upper half out of it and shouted, "Hey, you! Stop eating grass! This isn't some kind of grass eating place where you can eat grass! Hear me! I am da law!")

(I thought it was humorous.)

(Prowl didn't.)

(He actually got worried.)

(Prowl turned right back around and took me straight to Ratchet for a mental test. Again.)

**Rule #60: Don't reprogram your fellow Autobots for pranks after a source of caffeine is confiscated. It doesn't matter if it was yours or not, just don't do it.**

(The twins, it doesn't matter which set.)

("I will dismantle you two and sell your parts on eBay!"— me, after finding out Sunstreaker and Sideswipe took the stash of tea.)

(Being the Southern backwoods rednecks that we are, Riley and I practically live off that blessed liquid infused with sugary goodness. Nobody messes with our sweet tea, DAMN IT!)

(Plus it's caffeinated. XD)

(Ratchet found out that's where Riley was still getting caffeine from.)

(He took it from the twins and burned it.)

(After that, it all went downhill from there.)

(I snapped at anybody that asked me what was wrong and stormed around the base and glaring at anybody that got in my path. Riley did something very similar, but ten times worse.)

(She nearly broke Leo's neck when he bumped into her in the hallway.)

(Ratchet had to be called to sedate and restrain her.)

(We were eventually given our tea back after the base suffered through our tea depravation for a week, but it's decaffeinated.)

(It was a compromise, but at least we got it back.)

(Not two hours later, we were deployed to take care of a Decepticon that popped up in Scotland.)

(Riley was on top of the Decepticon before he knew what was going on.)

(Apparently, Cybertronians aren't strangers to looking down on femmes (their slang term for a female as I've learned after watching Ironhide call my sister that so many times before) and he began ranting at her about how his death would be humiliating being ended by a femme.)

(So Riley said to the guy "As if." And she shot him.)

(Riley continued like this for about thirty minutes before Prowl approached her and asked, "Feel better now?")

("Yep. Wanna get pancakes?" :D)

(One week later, a new guy named Smokescreen arrived on Earth. Said he's Prowl and Bluestreak's big brother.)

(So I naturally, I went to Ratchet to ask if Prowl really has two brothers.)

(Ratchet confirmed it before making me leave to tend to injured Autobots from the fight in Scotland.)

(I didn't even realize Prowl had relatives on Earth! Hell, I didn't realize he had relatives at all!)

(But looking at all three of them together in one room, you can really see the resemblance between them.)

(It didn't take me long to make friends with Smokey since he's new on Earth and all. Plus I found out he has a strong affinity towards gambling and we always somehow find ourselves in a no holds barred game of poker and Texas hold 'em after getting me out of an hours' long session of mindless chatter with Bluestreak.)

(Seeing the perfect opportunity to mess with them, I reprogrammed a recharging Smokescreen.)

(Smokescreen came out of recharge at one in the morning and sounded the alarm signaling a Decepticon attack.)

(Mass panic. Autobots were running all over the place trying to figure out who sounded the alarm and where the attack was...)

(... Until Smokescreen's voice came over the intercom system, shouting, "Attention, NEST base! ATTENTION, NEST BASE! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! CODE RED! AMBER ALERT! BLACK DEATH! BLUE BALLS! PLEASE STAY TUNED FOR THIS SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!")

(Then for a while he stopped talking, but then an upbeat preschool song began playing over the speakers.)

("I'm a little teapot short and stout! Here is my handle here is my spout!")

(As it turns out, Ironhide is as grouchy as Riley is when woken up so rudely. He was out lusting for blood and ran for the communications room to find Smokescreen locked himself in there and reinforced the door so that not even an irate Optimus could kick it down.)

(Smokescreen continued singing merrily away over the intercom for the next day, singing "I'm A Little Teapot".)

(Naturally, Ratchet thought it was me as payback for destroying my caffeinated tea.)

(We can go with that...)

(...)

(Yeah, let's say that.)

(I blamed Sunstreaker and Sideswipe.)

(Nobody questioned it since they're infamous for their prank sprees.)

(Poor Prowl glitched.)

(Bluestreak cackled like a maniac and recorded the entire thing on video and posted it on the Internet.)

(A month of brig time for the twins and they didn't do anything!)

(That's an added bonus for me!)

(Don't tell them I set them up to take the fall for me.)


	11. Rules 61-66

**Author's Note Suggestions courtesy of MISCrasyaboutfanfics: Rules #61-64. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Rule #61: Food fighting is not allowed.**

(Optimus and Galloway don't want any food wasted because of having a tight budget for NEST.)

(It wasn't me who started the last food fight!)

(Leo started it, trying to rediscover his "inner child" and relive his memories from elementary school.)

(All those involved had to clean it up.)

**Rule #62: Optimus would like me to remind everyone not to swear in front of Annabelle.**

(She overheard Sunstreaker using a Cybertronian swearword, the one that's the equivalent to the human word sh*t.)

(She repeated it when Ironhide wouldn't let her paint on him.)

(It makes it even worse 'cause the rec room was full of people and Autobots.)

(She said Sunstreaker taught her the new word in her vocabulary.)

(No one, especially Arcee and her sisters, was happy.)

(Ironhide wanted to use Sunstreaker for target practice.)

(If the weapons specialist was a human, he would've had an aneurism. He actually had to be restrained by Optimus!)

**Rule #63: Speaking of femmes, stop calling Bluestreak a girl!**

(Doesn't help that he has a large chest and that one of the humans was singing "Dude Looks Like A Lady" when Bluestreak walked into a room one day.)

(Needless to say, the poor mech was upset.)

(Annabelle gave him a hug and said that he shouldn't worry about "dumb, mean people.")

(Anna is such a sweetheart. X3)

**Rule #64: Water balloons are banned.**

(Wheeljack made a giant one that exploded and flooded the base.)

(The humans near the place the water balloon exploded had to be sent to Ratchet for the injuries they received from the force of the water slamming them into the walls and other furniture.)

(He got a lecture for wasting water.)

(In case these guys haven't noticed, Earth is covered in water.)

(In fact, Wheeljack used sea water to fill that big ass balloon!)

(There's more where that came from!)

**Rule #65: Pessimism can actually be used to your advantage.**

("Despite the forgivable ignorance of this savage horror we call humanity, you are the damned limit of my tolerance. You were likely raised by imbeciles, poorly prepared for adulthood, capable only of perpetuating your genetic flaws. What tragedy it is not to be smart enough to know you are doomed to live and die in a painful idiocy."— me, halfway through a rant Galloway was giving during a conference.)

(Optimus was shocked I even said it.)

(The others snorted rudely and laughter erupted from all corners of the room.)

(Galloway looked ready to have an aneurism.)

(Being one of the only few people who can just barely tolerate Sunstreaker's vanity issues and Skids and Mudflap's perverseness and all their dirty jokes, I snapped at them: "I wish...I truly wish someone would just...turn you off and...fix you.")

(After going through the whole day like this, I was given some semblance of sugar.)

("I HAVE POWERS PINTO BEANS CAN ONLY DREAM OF HAVING! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"— me, being random and feeling I needed to scream.)

(Ironhide had half a mind to drag my ass to the Med Bay for testing after that outburst.)

(He couldn't reach me even if he wanted to 'cause I crawled into the human sized ventilation shafts. Ha ha!)

**Rule #66: Screaming at Ratchet doesn't get you anywhere with him. Especially not during mental health exams.**

("End this pathetic deception! I _know_ you've got Martians in your head! Gimme them Martians! I'm going to put butter on them!"— Hyper Riley, in the middle of getting an injury treated with Ratchet after having a run-in with one of Wheeljack's experiments.)

(Ratchet reacted rather rashly and strapped her down to the table and sedated her.)

(When she woke up, Riley found she was still strapped to the table with a camera in her face in a human sized room.)

(Ratchet explained she was going to be under observation for the next two days.)

(Riley freaked out.)

(One month of being stuck in the Med Bay having an ass load of tests and mental exams done.)

("I LOVE YOU, COLD UNFEELING ROBOT ARM!"— me, getting the drop on Prowl in his office. I swear he jumped a mile in the air and fell out of his seat and glitched.)

("No. I'm still watching it, I wanna see what happens! I need it! WHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY?!"— Riley, upon Prowl walking in on her and Wheeljack watching _Phineas and Ferb_ and turning off. She ran around the room crying and screaming insanely before she fell on her face asleep.)

("BLARGIZEFLURZINFLURRSENUR!"— me, being random and running around the room with my hands in the air.)

(Riley and I were hauled into the Med Bay for more mental health exams. What's sad is it hadn't been twenty four hours since Riley got out of there.)

(This place is like our second home since we're here so often.)

(Somebody get us out of here! DX)


	12. Rules 67-72

**Rule #67: Don't photobomb Optimus during important vid-links.**

(Riley found Leo's secret stash of candy.)

(She found it in the ventilation shafts in case you're wondering. Those things are really big. Big enough for a human to crawl around in.)

(I wound up taking her for a long walk around the island, but I lost her.)

(I searched high and low for hours, but no Hyper Riley.)

(Wheeljack and Ratchet found out about Riley's hyper state of mind and agreed to help find her.)

(We found her in the Autobot hangar where Optimus was...)

(In the middle of an important video conference with General Morshower.)

(At first we thought she was just hanging out, listening in.)

(How wrong we were.)

(She ran at Optimus and threw her body in front of his face just as he was about to start talking.)

("IT SHIIIIINNNNEEEESSSSSSS!")

("Riley, get back here!")

("NOOOOO! THE GOFERS HAVE MY PIGGY!")

(Wheeljack caught her and carried her to the Med Bay for yet another mental health examination.)

(Two weeks later, she's still in the Med Bay.)

**Rule #68: If you value your life at all, don't steal from Ironhide.**

(Only Riley can do that.)

(Riley found out the Stetson hat Ironhide's holoform wears all the time is real, so she swiped it.)

(He hasn't asked for it back, though.)

(Methinks Ironhide likes it when my sister wears his hat and flirts with him.)

(Leo is an entirely different matter.)

(He tried finding something to hold against Ironhide and found a treasure trove of stuff in a box buried beneath tools and whatever else one would expect to find in a tool bench on a pickup truck.)

(That stuff happened to be pictures of Ironhide and Annabelle and pictures Annabelle drew for him and other little things she's given Ironhide in the past.)

(Riley and I happened to come across Leo cackling over those crayon covered pieces of paper and thought it was flat out adorable Ironhide would hold onto the stuff Anna gave him.)

(Ironhide wasn't pleased to find his stash of Anna's drawings were gone.)

(He was out for blood.)

(Leo (not so surprisingly) disappeared for a few months.)

(Ironhide only calmed down somewhat when Riley returned the box and told him she took it trying to find a wrench for one thing or another.)

(He didn't question it.)

**Rule #69: Don't write 'X-buried treasure' at random spots on the big holo-map in the conference hangar.**

(Riley and I did this as a prank the night before a major conference.)

(Optimus and a few others thought it was funny when a rather large 'X' showed up on a small island nearby and another on Diego Garcia.)

(The joke was lost on the rest of the Autobots.)

(Prowl and Red Alert glitched when I burst into the room dressed as Jack Sparrow with Riley close behind and dressed as Captain Hook.)

(Jazz, Wheeljack, Bumblebee, and Hound wanted to go treasure hunting with us.)

(We ran around the base like this all day.)

(Riley even managed to climb into the rafters of the Autobot hangar with just one hand.)

(She then began swinging across the room on a rope she put up in the middle of the room, cackling like a maniac.)

(We were made to go through mental health exams.)

(It was worth it when we got a good laugh out of Optimus! XD)

**Rule #70: Setting the printer to 200% zoom, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies is immature and expensive.**

(I had to continue with my tormenting of Galloway after I caught him yelling at Riley.)

(So, I went and rigged all the printers on Diego Garcia with the help of Sunstreaker and Sideswipe.)

(The look on Galloway's face was priceless when he tried to make a copy of some important government papers.)

(My partners in crime and I was reprimanded for it but that was about it.)

**Rule #71: If you hear Sam Witwicky say nothing scares him anymore after what he's been through with the Autobots, don't challenge that.**

(I heard him say it and cackled.)

("Insolent fool boy! Challenge accepted! Prepare your bladder for imminent release!")

(An hour later, I rigged the shower in his private quarters with crushed red dye pellets in the shower head.)

(All I had to do was wait. And I didn't have to wait long.)

(Ironhide thought it was pretty funny when he started hearing a feminine glass shattering scream originating from Sam's room.)

(It was made even better when Sam came running out of his room and down the hallway in nothing but a towel.)

(Ratchet nearly had a Spark attack when he saw the red dyed water dripping off Sam's body and tackled him.)

(Two weeks of being in the Med Bay for Sam even after he was cleaned of the colored water and saw there was no injury.)

("You can't be too careful. You may have ruptured something and it's bleeding through your skin."— Ratchet, after listening to Sam protesting being stuck in the Med Bay.)

(A week later, Riley donned a Grim Reaper costume and hid in Sam's quarters.)

(The resulting scream was even louder than when I scared him.)

(It was made even better when Riley chased him out of the room, screaming about collecting his soul and eating it like Cheetos.)

(That video I made of the incident is going viral on the Internet, baby!)

**Rule #72: When it comes to comedy, leave Ironhide out of it.**

(My sister is the only one that can do this without getting shot at.)

(We were expecting to get new recruits, Autobots and humans alike, and Ironhide's the one in charge of drilling them.)

(He can be pretty mean to them but he says "those cupcake princesses can either suck it up or go home" and he's "toughening them up".)

(When the new recruits met with Ironhide in the training room, they found a huge sign hung up on the wall opposite.)

("If you can read this, you're probably not dead yet. Ironhide will soon have that fixed.— The Management.")

(The recruits thought it was funny if not a little intimidating since everybody knows about Ironhide's very short temper and trigger happy tendencies.)

(Ironhide smirked before taking it down.)

(He knows it was Riley, but he can't prove she did it, so HA!)

("Break glass in case of overwhelming despair."— the new sign written on a fire axe case.)

("Knock. JUST YOU TRY IT, PUNK!"— warning sign on Ironhide's door.)

("OMFG! TIME MACHINE!"— written beside the automatic doors.)

("Physician's Chambers. Enter at thine own risk, worthy knave or fair maiden."—warning sign spray painted on the Med Bay doors.)

(Prime rather liked that one.)

(It's very accurate.)

(I've found Riley's the cause of the other signs, too.)


	13. Rules 73-78

**Rule #73: No one is allowed to bother Annabelle when she's watching her favorite shows.**

(Even though some of them weren't logical and made Prowl glitch.)

(Plus we're running out of ideas for things she can watch.)

(We spent weeks debating what to do about it and finally got a small TV put up in a corner facing the Autobot sized couch so the Autobots can't see what she's watching.)

**Rule #74: Whoever you are, stop spray painting signs all over the base!**

(I swear it wasn't Riley this time.)

(I should know 'cause I asked if she did it.)

(The latest sign was spray painted on the wall near the human sized door to the rec room with an arrow at about the height of a human man with a note that read "You must be THIS tall to enter.")

(Then a speed limit sign was updated with a new sign below it.)

("Speed limit enforced by sniper.")

(After I saw that, I found out Bluestreak is a trained sniper.)

(Slag just got serious. O_o)

**Rule #75: If you happen to be human, don't joke about being injured or play with fake blood.**

(Especially not in front of Ratchet.)

(He tends to freak out.)

(And that's an understatement.)

(Riley pranked Prowl with a dummy she fashioned to look like Annabelle.)

(She slipped it under his foot just as he was putting his foot down.)

(He didn't realize there was something there until he had his foot down.)

(The dummy exploded and fake blood went EVERYWHERE.)

(Prowl didn't know what to do and glitched.)

(Poor Red Alert looked ready to have a panic attack when he commed Ratchet to the scene.)

(When Ratchet got there, _he_ had a come apart when he gathered the "body" and took it to the Med Bay.)

(I must say, Riley must've been in a very devious mood to pull such a prank. She went so far as to stuff fake guts in the dummy, too.)

(I should know, 'cause I was splattered in the stuff, fake blood AND guts.)

(I caught Riley hanging around the scene of the crime, showing off her mad acting skills as she looked about ready to faint and then she ran.)

(I followed her until she went up to Anna's parents and told them Prowl had an accident with their daughter.)

(Mass. Chaos.)

(Will and Sarah ran the entire way to the Med Bay, demanding to know what happened.)

(Sarah was about to kill Ratchet when he forced out the bad news that Prowl stepped on the toddler...)

(... Then in came Ironhide with little Annabelle on his shoulder, completely unharmed.)

(Red Alert showed them the security camera footage and placed Riley with the dummy outside Prowl's office when it happened.)

(She had to apologize to Prowl and Anna's parents for the scare, clean the mess up, and serve a month in the brig.)

**Rule #76: Boobah is not a humane form of punishment, therefore it is banned. For all eternity.**

(Ratchet was having a hard time with both sets of the troublemaking twins.)

(Both sets got in a number of pranks on him in a week, so naturally, he was pissed off.)

(In order to help him make the twins cooperate, I told him to strap them down, force their optics to remain powered on, and play Boobah on a four hour loop.)

(He was confused about it at first until I played a snippet of an episode to enlighten him.)

(That devious look showed up on Ratchet's face and set to work getting the twins to come and see him again.)

(By the time we came back for them at the end of the four hours, we found they all glitched.)

(Two months later, neither set has tried anything after a threat of another punishment to make them watch the show again but on an eight hour loop.)

(Ratchet and I are best friends now.)

**Rule #77: Horror movies are banned.**

(There's so many to list, it's not funny.)

(Not only does it creep out humans, it scares the Autobots out of their circuits.)

(But Riley, on the other hand, loves them.)

(She loves the adrenaline rush she gets from the suspenseful parts or when the creature jumps out and attacks.)

(She convinced Ironhide, Prowl, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, and Crimson Flame to watch a creature feature marathon on that Cybertronian sized screen in the rec room.)

(These movies are never to come onto the base again: )

_Predator, Predator 2, and Predators_

(The swearing in those movies... daaaaaammmnnnn.)

(Ironhide now feels Riley was trying to tell him something after he saw the amount of weapons the Predator had.)

(Riley was so innocent until she heard him explain what he thought she meant.)

(Sure she likes dirty jokes from time to time, but she blushed so many shades of red.)

(All I know was it involved the size of guns.)

(I don't wanna know. O_o)

_Aliens _(all of them)and_ Aliens vs. Predator _(the first and second movies)

(Optimus walked into the room towards the end of the second AVP movie and saw the pregnant lady infested with Chestbursters explode.)

(He actually pulled out his weapons and nearly shot the TV.)

_Slither_

(To tell you the truth, that freaked Ironhide out. I saw him looking down at himself and shivering.)

(Riley was a little weirded out by this but otherwise, she was fine.)

_Shaun of the Dead_

(With the dead people walking around and watching people get eaten alive, Prowl glitched.)

(Ratchet sent Red Alert to pick up Prowl since the good doctor was busy with work.)

(Bur then he glitched when he saw the hordes of undead people.)

(Wheeljack came out for this one and promptly disappeared to try and recreate it.)

(That in itself was worrisome but fortunately, Optimus caught wind of it and shut the project down before it could begin.)

(_Thank God!_)

**Rule #78: Don't order Halloween costumes and other assorted props off the Internet.**

(My little sister is a diabolical little thing, ain't she?)

(Exhibits A, B, C, D, E, F and G.)

**(An eyeball.)**

(She made sure it was that sticky kind that attaches to everything.)

(And used it for two different pranks.)

(The first time was her running around the base with the eye attached to her forehead telling people she had "the sight".)

(And the other made Optimus nearly step on Sam when she ran in screaming Sam took her eye out with a pencil.)

**(Disembodied appendages. More specifically, a pair of legs and an arm.)**

(Riley made me do this one.)

(She made me walk into Optimus' office ask get his attention.)

("Hey, Optimus. Fancy a drive around the island with me?" :D)

("Not now, Isa—AAH! What happened to you?!" O.O)

("Not much. I was visiting Wheeljack and I fell into a glowing green vat in his lab. Cool, huh?")

(Optimus chose that moment to go berserk, toppling over his desk in his rush to get me and ran the entire way to Ratchet.)

(Ratchet glitched when he saw I sprouted legs just above my hips and another arm out of my shoulder.)

(Riley happened to coat the false appendages with fake blood should they fall off and that's what happened.)

(My "extra arm" fell onto the floor and Optimus hurriedly dumped me on a medical slab before he glitched. It was even more epic that Ratchet glitched when he registered my "new limbs" were falling off and I screamed, making him think I was in the most pain I've ever experienced in my life.)

(Ratchet glitched.)

(I was given a week in the brig for that and Riley served two weeks 'cause she made me do it.)

**(A shrunken head.)**

(Sunny is responsible for this one.)

(She attached it to a string and hid in the vents in the ceiling.)

(Whenever a soldier or Autobot happened by, she dropped the head in their faces.)

(There were mixed reactions to the prank, from shouts of surprise to screams and laughs)

(I was around to see Ironhide get scared and try to shoot it.)

(Then Prowl happened along.)

(He glitched.)

(Poor mech.)

**(Fake blood.)**

(Oh, my God, Riley, why?!)

(People glitched the last time this was brought out!)

(It started out like any other day on the island until people found bloody handprints and spatters on the floor.)

(Ratchet and the other medics were put on standby in case there was somebody hurt.)

(Then a couple of the Autobots found a group of soldiers mulling around groaning and covered in blood.)

(Riley chose that moment to burst out of one of the nearby rooms and scream, "It's the zombie apocalypse! Run for your Sparks!")

(It was even better that the Autobots in question actually ran away, warning everyone about the humans reenacting _The Walking Dead_.)

(Ratchet had a Spark attack and grabbed all of them and rushed the soldiers to the Med Bay for testing.)

**(Another fake head but one that looks like her.)**

(You know that trick where people walk around, pretend to sneeze and their head "falls off"?)

(Yeah, she decided to call all the Autobots into the rec room to talk and the moment they were all there...)

(She sneezed and her "head" fell into her hands.)

(Red Alert, Prowl, and Ratchet glitched.)

(Optimus was shocked out of his wits.)

(Ironhide, however...)

(... He went ballistic and picked her up and ran out of the room demanding to find a human doctor to explain the situation to them.)

(The resident human doctor took one look at Riley and the frantic Autobots before she burst out laughing, calling out the fact it was a prank.)

(Ironhide didn't talk to her for a week.)

(Optimus reprimanded her and made her apologize to the mechs that glitched.)

**(A fake giant spider.)**

(Okay, I admit I had a blast with this one.)

(Riley got a few of them and attached them to fishing poles, running all over the base bugging people.)

(The biggest spider she got had to be attached to a rope. She even hauled it up into the ventilation shafts above Red Alert's office.)

(That spider was even more epic since Riley got Wheeljack to modify it so it was a giant remote controlled spider. Like those ones you can get at Wal-Mart, only much more cooler than that.)

(Once that spider was in the office...)

(Mayhem broke loose.)

(Red Alert actually brought his weapons to bear and started shooting up the place.)

(Of course we were caught a while after the prank was pulled and made to apologize to Red Alert for scaring him and we had to repair everything that was broken.)

**(Vampire fangs and cape.)**

(Riley disappeared for at least a month.)

(She was nowhere to be found, occasionally being found stalking the hallways in the middle of the night and hanging upside down in the rafters.)

(The Autobots that caught her doing this and avoiding going outside at all cost thought she was starting to go crazy.)

(Bur some of them tried to ask her what she was doing, but Riley would hiss at them and run away, gripping the ends of her cape and shouting, "KILL IT WITH FIRE!")

(Seeing as whenever Riley disappears, the Autobots know she's up to something.)

(Even Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, the resident troublemakers and self-proclaimed kings of pranks, were on edge.)

(Then it happened.)

(Red Alert burst into the rec room and glomped Optimus, blubbering about Energon and Riley losing her mind.)

(Everyone disregarded Red's rambling, but I knew better seeing Riley just put into action what she'd been building up to.)

(Riley burst into the room a few minutes later, looking pale as a ghost and blood red eyes loudly proclaiming,)

("I am a vampire! I'm here to suck your Energon!")

(Ratchet had a come apart, lunging for her and missed as Riley ran right for Optimus and Red Alert, the latter looking about ready to piss himself in terror and glitch.)

("I'll start with the paranoid one! Are you scared, Red Alert? Well? Are you? Are you scared?!")

("Yes! Yes, I am! Stay away from me!")

("You shouldn't be scared, Red!")

("Why?")

("I won't suck your Energon... if you let me put you on _Scare Tactics_! Sunny Brooke set you up!")

(The room fell silent for a moment while the Autobots tried to figure out what _Scare Tactics_ is before the entire room burst into a mixture of reactions from laughter to angry shouts about trying to make the most paranoid mech on Diego Garcia glitch.)

(Now we can relive that moment forever since Riley paid off a few soldiers to videotape her shenanigans during the month she was building up to that point and get the Autobots' reactions.)

(That video is going viral on YouTube now!)


	14. Rules 79-84

**Rule #79: Don't pretend Annabelle's stuffed toys talk to you.**

(Ratchet will haul your ass into the Med Bay for testing faster than you can blink.)

(Sunny was bored.)

(And this is typically not a good thing.)

(She called an unofficial movie night and watched _Small Soldiers_.)

(It changed the way the Autobots view Annabelle's dolls.)

(Red Alert actually aimed a camera at them in her little corner of the rec room to see if they would do anything.)

(But then Sunny came along and picked up one of Anna's stuffed bears.)

("What's that, Mr. Bear? You think I should make Jell-O in the swimming pool? That would be delightful! Mm hmm... yesssssss... what was that? How dare you blame me for this! Prowl will be waiting for it!")

(There was a loud explosion and the teddy bear in Sunny's hands was no more.)

(Ironhide shot it.)

(Red Alert took Annabelle's toys away.)

(It doesn't help his paranoia that Bumblebee and I leave Barbie dolls and Army man action figures laying around.)

**Rule #80: ****_"Who's Line Is It Anyway?"_**** is banned.**

(We tried playing Hollywood Director after watching the show.)

(Jazz took up the role as the "host" of our reenactment of the show.)

(Riley was the "director" while me, Arcee, and (somehow) Ratchet were the "actors".)

(We were supposed to be superheroes trapped in a room.)

(The first time she interrupted, Riley made us characters in an _Indiana Jones_ film.)

(After that, we were supposed to do it as LOLCats.)

(Then she said we were to act like we're magnetically attracted to everything.)

(Promptly followed by an exclamation of "I'm a genius!")

(Ironhide thought it was amusing until Sunny decided to be "attracted" to him.)

(Riley went berserk and tried to snap her neck.)

(Jazz had a heck of a time restraining her.)

(Ratchet had to be called in to sedate her.)

**Rule #81: Don't tempt Ratchet.**

(I don't understand why this isn't at the top of the list.)

(If you give the good doctor a good enough reason, he won't hesitate to throw a wrench at you.)

(Wheeljack got him riled up enough to throw a surgical saw once.)

(All because Wheeljack was putting up a fight after he blew his arm off during the _Phineas and Ferb_ incident.)

(The Chevy twins got him to throw his desk and chair last week.)

(I swear Ratchet is evil.)

(He's not above throwing his beloved tools at humans, though he simply makes sure it gets dangerously close to scare the crap out of you.)

(Ratchet will even hit Optimus with a wrench and I saw it happen, too!)

(He hits everyone with those things!)

(These phrases are a surefire way to send Ratchet's famous short temper through the roof: )

"Make me."

(Bumblebee didn't want to go to his routine maintenance checkup.)

(Ratchet knocked him upside the head with a wrench and dragged him to the Med Bay.)

"You don't have the guts to do it."

(Sideswipe taunting Ratchet and having me on his shoulder to keep Ratchet from throwing a wrench at his head.)

(Ratchet threw the wrench anyway.)

"I dare you to do it."

(Mudflap, you stupid idiot!)

(Daring Ratchet to do something will get you a bloodthirsty smile and a sound whack over the head with an even bigger wrench than the one he was originally gonna use on you.)

(Calling him "Hatchet" works really well, too.)

(And stealing his collection of wrenches.)

(Me and Riley roughhousing in front of him and getting into rubber chicken fights.)

(So is running away during the monthly checkups.)

(Riley and I tried to get out of having the monthly workup done once.)

(We tried to hide in Montana.)

(Ratchet hunted us down and dragged us back to Diego Garcia for the checkups instead of taking us to either the NEST base in Nevada or Alabama.)

**Rule #82: Riley is not allowed to hang around Wheeljack without supervision.**

(This kinda needs to be at the top of the list.)

(Riley and Wheeljack are just like each other: lovable, mad, and almost completely cut off from the rest of reality.)

(Riley abused her privilege of knowing the Wheeljack block code to let him watch _Johnny Test_.)

(It's needless to say he wanted to make a talking dog.)

(Sam's dog Mojo disappeared after that.)

(We told him the dog ran away.)

**Rule #83: If you value your life at all, don't tease Ironhide about last Halloween.**

(Annabelle got him to wear fairy wings.)

(Pretty pink sparkly fairy wings.)

(There's pictures too.)

**Rule #84: Don't deliberately try to make your guardian worry about you.**

(Riley assigned Crimson Flame to be my guardian.)

(Crimson Flame took to his new assignment with great enthusiasm especially since Riley told him to watch me.)

(After that, I've had the mech follow me around almost everywhere keeping me out of trouble.)

(Not that I mind any. We get along real well.)

(But I got ahold of contraband (caffeine) and I think it's a little stronger than I remember.)

(I started fidgeting like Riley does when she's high on sugar and slipped away while Crimson Flame wasn't looking.)

(After running around the base, I stumbled on Prowl and decided to mess with him a little.)

("I am a lying frog. Everything I say is a lie. I live inside magical bio hazardous toadstools that grow in Wheeljack's laboratory.")

("Isaiah, are you alright? You're acting a little odd.")

("This sentence has found a map to Candy Mountain and will not return until its kidneys have been stolen!")

("Crimson Flame, I found your charge. He's acting as though something's wrong with him.")

("Cake is a lie!")

("Why is it a lie, Isaiah?")

("It's a lie.")

("Crimson Flame, your human is scaring me! Where are you? Come get him and take him to see Ratchet immediately!")

("Zucchini knows all!")

(Then I kinda dropped to the floor acting like I was unconscious and waited to see what happens.)

(Crimson Flame did as Prowl asked and took me to Ratchet where I continued to play dead until I decided I was bored with it.)

("IT'S ALIVE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!")

(Ratchet nearly dropped me on the floor and I made my move, running for the door and disappeared in the vents.)

(Ratchet and Crimson Flame hunted me down all over the base until Gun Metal caught me and dragged my ass back to the Med Bay for a mental examination.)


	15. Rules 85-90

**Author's Note: I've teamed up with Prophet21 to get rules written up for your amusement. As for their ideas, it is awesomesauce and I have to thank them for the ideas! XD For the time being all the rules are Halloween themed since it's October. Enjoy!**

**Also, rule #90 was partially inspired by something my brother encountered when he was helping out watch little kids at the church. I'll give you a hint about what it was: ****_Despicable Me._**

* * *

**Rule #85: Attempting stupid things will put you under close surveillance of the Autobots.**

(Riley!)

(She teamed up with Wheeljack and Bumblebee this time.)

(Nobody saw them for the first week of October.)

(When they did, they were all covered in scrapes, dents, and covered in soot from helm to stabilizing servos.)

(I caught the trio of mayhem traipsing about the base, trying and failing to escape suspicion of the others whilst whistling Yankee Doodle.)

(Ratchet stopped me and gave me the biggest candy bar I've ever seen in my life after he screamed at me about eating an apple, telling me the chocolate tasted better than my apple since it was unhealthy.)

(That drew the line for me and I went straight to Optimus and found him standing around in his office staring at the ceiling.)

(When asked, he told me everything in his office was super glued to the ceiling.)

(But then he found out about Ratchet's anti-nutritional glitch and helped me relocate him and a handful of others dancing around the rec room to Crazy Frog followed by an encore performance of Thriller with Wheeljack, Bumblebee, and Riley laughing their asses off at the spectacle.)

(Turns out they made microchips to temporarily reprogram an Autobot.)

(The trio's victims were totally aware of what was happening, but couldn't control themselves. Jazz, Whirlwind, and Bluestreak thought it was hysterical. The others, more specifically, Ironhide, Prowl, and Ratchet... not so much.)

(Optimus nearly locked them in the brig for the rest of the month but seeing as nobody was harmed, all they got was an hour long lecture mainly because Riley and Wheeljack were together unsupervised by a responsible mech to keep them out of trouble.)

**Rule #86: If you have to get your scare on, do it in private.**

(Riley and Ironhide.)

(Since it's close to Halloween, they figured they should get the whole base into the spirit of the upcoming holiday at the end of the month.)

(So they rounded up all Autobots willing to help, including both sets of the troublemaking twins and set to work.)

(Somehow nobody was caught doing anything while they set up.)

(When the base woke up that next morning, they found giant slimy webs on the walls and ceiling with dummies stuck to them with fake blood dripping out of openings in their chests.)

(Even Optimus was more than a little weirded out.)

(I caught a glimpse of evil grins on the troublemaking twins' faceplates as they and the other Autobots that were in on the prank as they wandered around subtly admired their handiwork while at the same time acting clueless.)

(Then the hissing sounds started up. It sounded like it was coming from everywhere and served to freak out the Autobots and NEST soldiers that didn't know about the prank even more.)

(I was well informed of what was coming and paid off to catch it all on camera. Even Ironhide decided to help record it while actually getting in the thick of it since Sunstreaker and Sideswipe enjoy pranking him so it would seem like he was getting punk'd too and nothing would seem out of the ordinary.)

(When the Xenomorphs made an appearance, there was mass chaos.)

(Red Alert had a panic attack and ran around the base wildly, sounding the Decepticon alarm and generally raising hell.)

(The Xenomorph holograms chased him all over the place and he ran straight into a wall when he looked over his shoulder to see if they were still chasing him.)

(He got back up but then he glitched when Riley stumbled in, begging him to help her before a Chestburster popped out of her chest.)

(Optimus, having somehow gotten away from all the mayhem, Googled what a Xenomorph is and discovered it was a mass prank.)

(Prowl, having come back online after he glitched during the prank, called out Riley for being the mastermind behind the prank and the Corvette twins. The only reason he called Riley out was for her love of using scare tactics on people for scraps and giggles.)

(In case you forgot about the whole "Prowl killed Annabelle" incident, refer to Rule #75.)

(All those involved in the prank had to clean it all up and hand out apologies to the people and Autobots that glitched and then serve a week in the brig.)

(From what I saw getting it on camera, it was worth it.)

**Rule #87: Truth or Dare games are to be supervised.**

(Leo happened to catch Bumblebee staring at Arcee.)

(He rounded up anybody willing to play and chose 'Bee as his first victim.)

(Bumblebee was dared to kiss Arcee and run away.)

(Riley, Flare Up, and Elita squealed in delight when they kissed.)

(She took a picture of the couple and disappeared for a while, resurfacing with magazines she created that she dubbed "Diego Garcia Weekly" and a picture of Bumblebee and Arcee was on the cover with bold screaming print proclaiming the two hottest new couple on base.)

(Riley even handed it out to the new recruits that arrived later that day, providing them with pictures of the Autobots and what they're like.)

(Everyone was cool with it, finding it very enlightening about how the 'Bots are, how they interact with each other, and who gets along with who.)

(The best article was for Ironhide, featuring a picture of him on the weapons range and the caption below it had everyone in stitches.)

("This is Ironhide. A mech whose idea of a romantic nightspot and impenetrable fortress is the same thing.")

**Rule #88: The game of apple bobbing should not be played in front of the Autobots.**

(Ratchet nearly offlined when he watched Epps dunk his head into a barrel with his hands tied behind his back.)

(He thought Epps was trying to drown himself for the entertainment of the other humans.)

(After some explaining, Ratchet finally let us continue our game.)

**Rule #89: Hacking into the communications systems in the 'Con's base of operations and pranking them is in no way allowed.**

(Riley!)

(Okay, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker and the Chevy twins were in on this, too.)

(They played preschool songs on a loop for a week.)

(Soundwave shut it off.)

(The next day, they did it again but used holograms from Riley's "Dumbest Ways To Die" video.)

(They altered it so the funny cartoon people are now Decepticons.)

(They stopped for a week before starting it up again, projecting holograms of Aliens and Predators and every human that died at their hands.)

(Hacking into security cameras showed more than a few Decepticons were freaked out.)

(Megatron and those of his army that didn't glitch over the Predators and Aliens actually marched to our base and demanded Optimus to get a hold of whoever it was that keeps hacking their base and pranking them.)

(A harsh reprimanding and a week in the brig for the three of them.)

**Rule #90: Duct tape is not a prank tool.**

(My sister and Sunny decided to pull a huge prank with duct tape.)

(It's come to my attention duct tape now comes in different colors and designs.)

(Apparently it always has been for some time.)

(Sunny made a canoe out of pink zebra patterned duct tape.)

(Riley used a wide assortment of patterns on hers and taped everything she could get her hands on.)

(She even taped a flower to Ironhide's Stetson hat and his ankle.)

(Prowl glitched when he found a huge assortment of toilet seats, flowers, and pictures of people in weird poses all over his office.)

(I've found duct tape with pictures on it. I now carry _Despicable Me_ themed duct tape laden with Minions now.)

(It took me back to when Riley, Sunny, Darren, and I would watch the local small children in Ocean Heights.)

(Out of boredom, I started asking the kids what they wanted to be.)

(There was the typical responses: pilot, secret agent, doctor, a veterinarian, soldier...)

(But then a little girl in the group said, "I wanna be a Minion!")

(My initial response was a grin. "You. You're my favorite now. You've made my life complete!" XD)


	16. Rules 91-96

**Rule #91: DON'T LET RATCHET WATCH DISCOVERY HEALTH!**

(In the event that this happens, all humans must evacuate the base.)

(Immediately.)

(I was quarantined and scanned for rare and exotic viruses...)

(And embarrassingly enough... worms.)

(Riley and any other soldiers who were unfortunate enough to get caught was given the same workup, too.)

(But then Riley was given a workup to see if she contracted any Cybertronian illnesses!)

(Optimus had to come in and talk Ratchet into letting his prisoners go.)

(After that, there was a lot of awkwardness between me, Riley, and other NEST soldiers.)

**Rule #92: Writing unusual phrases in Cybertronian and having the Autobots translate it into English is not funny.**

(Leo and Sunny Brooke.)

(Seeing as Sam was infused with the Allspark for a short time before his knowledge went into the Matrix of Leadership and Riley is the new vessel for the Allspark, they decided to exploit that.)

(Riley and Sam were asked to write unusual sayings and words in Cybertronian before running around asking for the words to be translated.)

(I was around to hear Optimus' and it made me snort coffee.)

("When I was a child, my parents wanted me to be a rabbi."— Optimus' note.)

("Hey, baby, you look about ready to faint. Would you like me to begin giving you CPR?"— Ratchet's note. He was using his holoform when he read it and Sunny glomped him.)

("I'm magically delicious."— Ironhide's note. Riley didn't realize he would be the one to get that one and blushed.)

("Santa Claus is plotting world domination of the McDonald's restaurant food chain with Wheeljack and Riley's flying robot monkeys!"— Bluestreak's note.)

("They say I'm insane, but I plan to dominate the world with my genetically mutated potatoes!"— Prowl's note. He looked about ready to glitch after reading that.)

(Since nobody realized it was a joke, they continue doing this often.)

**Rule #93: Don't play the punch buggy punchies with the Autobots.**

(Just for kicks, Riley sprang Bumblebee out of the base and convinced him to alter his Camaro form into a yellow Bug and went for a ride around town.)

(I thought it was hilarious when Riley told me that Bumblebee got confused about why people were yelling, "Yellow one!" and punching a friend or complete strangers.)

('Bee eventually figured out it was a game and began enjoying it more.)

(Me, Sam, Riley, and Mikaela hit up different parts of town at least twice a week with him just for laughs.)

(Ironhide is getting a little touchy around the young scout since Riley is making a bond with Bumblebee and still cheering him up after the Linkin Park incident.)

(Hey, it's not like Riley will be able to convince _him_ to alter his vehicle form into a VW Bug for her amusement.)

**Rule #94: Switching signs around on bathrooms for pranks is prohibited.**

(Leo.)

(Poor Simmons was so confused when he walked into the bathroom to find female soldiers in both bathrooms.)

(After going back and forth for several minutes, he went all the way across the base just to use the bathroom.)

(Riley got mad after finding the bathroom she went into was full of men and went all across the base warning everybody that certain bathrooms were rigged for pranks.)

(A very long lecture from Optimus for Leo.)

**Rule #95: Messing with fellow Autobots' holoforms is not funny.**

(Sunstreaker and Sideswipe.)

(They wanted to prank Prowl, so they recruited Riley for a bit of assistance.)

(Prowl was none the wiser about what happened until he went on patrol around the city.)

(Riley was pulled over for speeding and he had to get out to give her a ticket.)

(Riley then proceeded to cackle like a madwoman and make rude comments about police and pigs before speeding off but not before altering her own holoform into a polar bear.)

(Prowl never once noticed his new holoform was a human sized pig in a police uniform.)

(The Corvette twins chose that moment to drive by with Sideswipe's Neanderthal hologram hanging out the window cackling, "It's so easy, even a caveman can do it!")

(The Decepticons in the area that saw us goofing around joined in the fun.)

(I happened to be walking around when Barricade pulled up with a Sasquatch behind his wheel asking for beef jerky.)

(Hell, even Starscream joined in and altered his holoform into a giant strawberry.)

(The mental image of that made my day until Riley pulled up with Gru behind the wheel and a truck full of minions from _Despicable Me_.)

(Best. Day. _Ever_.)

(Of course, Prowl didn't think so.)

(Optimus actually laughed when the news channel reported on the quirky characters driving fancy cars and a fighter jet.)

**Rule #96: Claiming to have been experimented on by Wheeljack will end up with you in the Med Bay and the aforementioned scientist in the brig for something he didn't do.**

(Riley!)

(She dyed her hair purple and altered her attire to a purple pair of pants and a pink and purple striped shirt. She even went so far as to put purple stripes on her cheeks and put on makeup to look like a smile splitting her face. Then she went on to put on a pair of pink kitty ears and a pink and purple tail.)

(Annabelle dressed as Alice and chased Riley all over the base.)

(The duo raced all over the place, screaming "Trick or treat!" at soldiers and Autobots.)

(Prowl was confused by it.)

(Annabelle's parents took their picture and Ironhide gave them moon pies as treats from Anna's bag full of snacks.)

(Hound stopped them and asked what we were doing.)

("I'm looking for Jackie.")

("Why?")

("I'm hoping he can reverse the effects from me falling into a cool glowing purple stuff.")

("...")

("Hound? You okay?")

(Apparently not.)

(He commed Ratchet and took Annabelle away from her and ran.)

(Riley was hauled into the Med Bay and a protesting Wheeljack into the brig.)

(Poor Wheeljack served a few hours in the brig until Optimus heard what happened.)

(Turns out the Autobots are quite literal when it comes to jokes.)

(No wonder Prowl didn't get those dirty cop jokes Riley was telling him.)


End file.
